Back to the present...
As January 2008 begins we are feeling fantastic. Social Services closed our case early in October 2007 and the Court dismissed Jeff's petition for change of custody in December, 2007. A brand new year has arrived and we (foolishly) think we've licked it. It's all over now, we're safe.
May 2008 - I attend a child support hearing where Jeff is informed he has a month to obtain stable employment and begin making a substantial portion of his child support payments. We come back to court in...
June 2008 - Jeff states that he is employed with a trucking firm and earning over $3000 a month. The judge orders Jeff to pay a minimum of $1000/mos by the last day of the month or face five days in jail for contempt of court. (Child support is $1400/mos but at least it's something.) At this point Jeff is in debt to me for $10,000. I have started yet another new job. For the next four months Jeff pays exactly $1000 a month on the last day of the month.
September 2008 - 'Someone' renews allegations of physical abuse being perpetrated by my older children upon the younger ones while I am at work. (This allegation is farmed out to yet a third county for investigation and again, the individuals I give as references are never contacted. I am forced to quit my job (this is the third time now). I am found 'guilty of neglect' because I'm leaving my older 'abusive' children to watch the younger ones while I work. And the older one's guilt of abuse is simply assumed. This time, at least, the official finding of 'Services Required' includes both Jeff and myself as being 'guilty of alienation'. My name is refreshed on the 'Abuser' index and Jeff's name is added. Another case is opened. This time we are being funneled through family court. Family court is becoming involved due to the high number of change of custody petitions and the repeated allegations against our family. I am excited because the judge states that (paraphrasing) she wants to get to the bottom of things and sort it all out. I think finally someone with judicial power is going to put all the pieces together and see the patterns, see Jeff's obsession with destroying us and assuming custody of our two youngest!
Not so.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Meanwhile...
Prior to the January 2007 finding Jeff pulled a pretty big stunt. Jeff had a habit when dropping my two youngest back at home after visitation of calling them back to him (after they had run off up towards the house happy to see us again) clutching them to him and telling them 'it will be all right', 'angels will protect you', 'I'll be praying for you' and working them into a state of high anxiety and tears. (Sounds like alienation to me...bu what do I know.) Jeff was also a police officer in another city. (You can see why it was so difficult to fight these allegations.) One night he brought them home, made his usual scene and a friend of mine was visiting. Several inches shorter than Jeff she walked out and asked why he did that every time he dropped them off. Jeff, wearing his police uniform with his gun and taser at his side towered over her yelling. He kept stepping forward so she had to retreat and finally my oldest boy went out and stepped in between them and told Jeff he needed to just go home. They both came back into the house while Jeff remained on our front lawn, in the dark, in his uniform with his arms crossed...staring at the house. I was beginning tho think this was it. We were going to end up another news story about the hyper-controlling cop shooting his entire family in a rage. I called the Police, they came and spoke with Jeff. He then drove off. Apparently soon afterwards, our Police Dept. called his Police Dept. and informed them of his actions. Jeff was then put on probation.
A few months later during the 2007 case, he pulled another stunt. We had agreed through our attorneys that he would have three weekends in a row (instead of the usual every other) as he had some activities planned and that I would then have the following three weekends in a row. All fair, simple...no big deal. I drive to the elementary school Friday to pick up J from Kindergarten for my first weekend and Jeff walks out from the school holding J's hand. Jeff stands on the sidewalk and tells me he's taking them for the weekend. Little J wakes up and climbs out of my van to go see Daddy. I remind Jeff of our written agreement. He says 'why are you doing this to them, don't you want them to see their father?' while he's holding them in his arms. Both boys (five and three) are now sobbing and looking at me as if I'm the bad guy. Jeff then begins to walk away with them. I had just called my attorney, who called the Police. They send three cars with four Policemen. The principal is furious with us (even though I was clearly not at fault) and officers inform Jeff that I will be taking the boys home with me. Jeff is again reported (our Police Dept. doesn't care much for him) and this time is fired from his job.
Of course I am given no warning as child support plummets down to $250-$500 a month. -Remember I am not allowed to work right now...and there are seven of us.
A few months later during the 2007 case, he pulled another stunt. We had agreed through our attorneys that he would have three weekends in a row (instead of the usual every other) as he had some activities planned and that I would then have the following three weekends in a row. All fair, simple...no big deal. I drive to the elementary school Friday to pick up J from Kindergarten for my first weekend and Jeff walks out from the school holding J's hand. Jeff stands on the sidewalk and tells me he's taking them for the weekend. Little J wakes up and climbs out of my van to go see Daddy. I remind Jeff of our written agreement. He says 'why are you doing this to them, don't you want them to see their father?' while he's holding them in his arms. Both boys (five and three) are now sobbing and looking at me as if I'm the bad guy. Jeff then begins to walk away with them. I had just called my attorney, who called the Police. They send three cars with four Policemen. The principal is furious with us (even though I was clearly not at fault) and officers inform Jeff that I will be taking the boys home with me. Jeff is again reported (our Police Dept. doesn't care much for him) and this time is fired from his job.
Of course I am given no warning as child support plummets down to $250-$500 a month. -Remember I am not allowed to work right now...and there are seven of us.
Our lives were no longer our own.
The first thing that happens in our state when the finding is 'Services Required', is your name is placed on a register of 'child abusers'. For ten years. Boom, just like that. No weighing of evidence. No day in court. Ten years. This list could be compared to a sex offender registry. So all my years of driving for field trips, volunteering in the schools, reading thousands of hours to my children, cuddles, kisses, nights spent up all night with sick children in the bathroom and on and on...? Rendered irrelevant. My name is now on a list with people who have beaten their children, had them removed because they were on Meth, alcoholics or have domestic violence situations in their homes. One of the reasons cited in giving this finding was that I had 'not followed previous recommendations to seek out counseling' and the fact that there were 'so many previous allegations'!! Hmmm...if it's a recommendation, why would I be punished for not following it...?
Immediately we were thrown into individual counseling sessions. Seven of us all having to schedule time with therapists. I was ordered to quit my job. Or...I could work at my $4.35/hr job as a server if I paid someone else to come babysit my two youngest for me! Of course I had to quit. We were already unable to pay full rent, feed ourselves till the end of the month and buy desperately needed clothes. But hey...it's only money!
We were assigned a social worker to come into our home on a weekly basis, (or occasionally I would visit her in her office) to monitor our 'progress' and the situation. The standard amount of time CPS leaves a case open is a year. After eight months our social worker had come to see that there was no abuse (no, she wouldn't put it in writing, that could open CPS up to to legal ramification!) and that we had no need of Child Protection involvement. She prepared to close our case. Is there now an option to have your name removed from the child abuser registry? Oh no...it stays on there. Appeals process? Nope. Set in stone.
Timeline:
Fall of 2006 - finding of 'Services Required'
January 2007 - Social Service case begins. Older children are now forced into visitation with Jeff to 'improve their relationship and combat my alienation'. The fact that Jeff has made NO attempt at visiting them or even speaking to them on the phone for nearly two years is deemed my fault and again, irrelevant.
July 2007 - the weekend of July 4th another allegation is made. This time against one of my older boys. He is accused of being sexually inappropriate and/or touching my youngest (four yrs. old). The matter is investigated by yet a third county as Jeff is also alleging that our county is now biased in my favor. The social workers interviewing my four year old determine that 'he has been coached' to say what he says. Jeff is reprimanded in writing and informed that this situation had better not arise again. Yet no investigation is begun to address the clear psychological abuse perpetrated against my four year old by his father telling him to lie!
August 2007 - 'Family Meeting' with social workers and parents present where Jeff is informed that our case will be closing and that the 'best thing he can do for his children if he cares about them, is to stop filing allegations and changes of custody.' (At this point, a year and a half post-divorce he has filed two already. Both denied by a judge before ever entering a courtroom.) Jeff rants and raves, storms out and goes directly to his new attorney's office where he files his third change of custody petition which I receive two days later.
October 2007 - Case closes. Change of custody still pending...
December 2007 - Judge dismisses petition. A week later Jeff stops his visitation with the older children. Neither visitation nor phone contact resumes until after the end of 2008 when we receive yet another finding of 'Services Required'.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Immediately we were thrown into individual counseling sessions. Seven of us all having to schedule time with therapists. I was ordered to quit my job. Or...I could work at my $4.35/hr job as a server if I paid someone else to come babysit my two youngest for me! Of course I had to quit. We were already unable to pay full rent, feed ourselves till the end of the month and buy desperately needed clothes. But hey...it's only money!
We were assigned a social worker to come into our home on a weekly basis, (or occasionally I would visit her in her office) to monitor our 'progress' and the situation. The standard amount of time CPS leaves a case open is a year. After eight months our social worker had come to see that there was no abuse (no, she wouldn't put it in writing, that could open CPS up to to legal ramification!) and that we had no need of Child Protection involvement. She prepared to close our case. Is there now an option to have your name removed from the child abuser registry? Oh no...it stays on there. Appeals process? Nope. Set in stone.
Timeline:
Fall of 2006 - finding of 'Services Required'
January 2007 - Social Service case begins. Older children are now forced into visitation with Jeff to 'improve their relationship and combat my alienation'. The fact that Jeff has made NO attempt at visiting them or even speaking to them on the phone for nearly two years is deemed my fault and again, irrelevant.
July 2007 - the weekend of July 4th another allegation is made. This time against one of my older boys. He is accused of being sexually inappropriate and/or touching my youngest (four yrs. old). The matter is investigated by yet a third county as Jeff is also alleging that our county is now biased in my favor. The social workers interviewing my four year old determine that 'he has been coached' to say what he says. Jeff is reprimanded in writing and informed that this situation had better not arise again. Yet no investigation is begun to address the clear psychological abuse perpetrated against my four year old by his father telling him to lie!
August 2007 - 'Family Meeting' with social workers and parents present where Jeff is informed that our case will be closing and that the 'best thing he can do for his children if he cares about them, is to stop filing allegations and changes of custody.' (At this point, a year and a half post-divorce he has filed two already. Both denied by a judge before ever entering a courtroom.) Jeff rants and raves, storms out and goes directly to his new attorney's office where he files his third change of custody petition which I receive two days later.
October 2007 - Case closes. Change of custody still pending...
December 2007 - Judge dismisses petition. A week later Jeff stops his visitation with the older children. Neither visitation nor phone contact resumes until after the end of 2008 when we receive yet another finding of 'Services Required'.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
'Services Required'
Knowing that my family was doing just fine and 'Someone' was actually Jeff, I did not seek out counseling. Of course, Someone wasn't through with us yet, not by a long shot. A fourth allegation was filed exactly the same as the earlier ones only in addition my older four children (my oldest daughter had grown and moved out) were now being accused of physically abusing the younger noes. Wow.
iSide note: During our divorce as we suffered through the previous allegations, Jeff approached me offering to 'leave us alone' if I would simply hand over custody of our two youngest. (His children.)
You see now my older children could no longer defend me to Child Protection because they too were accused. Jeff's reasoning was simple. If we were all guilty of abusing the two youngest he would be 'available' to assume custody of them.
Here's the part that really stunned me. I actually had an attorney at this point and she came with me when the 'investigating' social worker was looking into Someone's initial report. J.P. (we'll call her) told both my attorney and I that the allegations were suspicious to her! Why? Because both my younger ones (four and two years of age) claimed we all were abusing them on all parts of their bodies by committing all types of abuse. (ie: hitting, slapping, pinching, kicking, punching...) J.P. told us that in actual abuse scenarios there would be a specific part of the body abused by a specific person in a specific way. I was relieved that Child Protection had seen through Jeff's ploy.
-Then I was given a finding of 'Services Required'. And there went the rest of our lives.
iSide note: During our divorce as we suffered through the previous allegations, Jeff approached me offering to 'leave us alone' if I would simply hand over custody of our two youngest. (His children.)
You see now my older children could no longer defend me to Child Protection because they too were accused. Jeff's reasoning was simple. If we were all guilty of abusing the two youngest he would be 'available' to assume custody of them.
Here's the part that really stunned me. I actually had an attorney at this point and she came with me when the 'investigating' social worker was looking into Someone's initial report. J.P. (we'll call her) told both my attorney and I that the allegations were suspicious to her! Why? Because both my younger ones (four and two years of age) claimed we all were abusing them on all parts of their bodies by committing all types of abuse. (ie: hitting, slapping, pinching, kicking, punching...) J.P. told us that in actual abuse scenarios there would be a specific part of the body abused by a specific person in a specific way. I was relieved that Child Protection had seen through Jeff's ploy.
-Then I was given a finding of 'Services Required'. And there went the rest of our lives.
Enter 'Child Protection'
Finally, the end of the school year arrived and I filed for divorce. I first approached Jeff about divorcing and he was enthusiastic. He said he would let us stay at our farm and he would move elsewhere. Once the papers were drawn up and the (mandatory) amount of child support was assigned, Jeff changed his mind. Not about the divorce, but about the farm...and cooperating. He immediately hired an attorney and yes, all hell broke loose.
I filed in June and within two months Child Protection was knocking at my door. 'Someone' had phoned them and alleged that we were living in filth and squalor and that I was physically abusing my children. A quick (surprise) tour of the house and schooltime interviews with my children assuaged their concerns and the allegation was promptly dismissed. While stunned at the level to which Jeff had sunk, I was relieved to have put that temporary terror behind me. In November we moved out of the farm taking only what furniture I had owned previously and some dishes and clothes. We moved back into town and were now residing in a different county than Jeff was. Jeff would come and pick up the two youngest (his children) and ignore the older ones (my children). This was mutually acceptable as the older kids had no desire to spend time with him either, for obvious reasons.
Another allegation was made. 'Someone' had made precisely the same allegations once again. Again my children were interviewed and the allegation was dismissed. I had a very poor attorney and was at this time receiving NO child support. This went on for 10 months while I drove taxi five nights a week in 12 hour graveyard shifts. I also accepted, with chagrin, food stamps and I will say they were a blessing. Jeff, meanwhile was single with his income of over $3000 a month.
A few months later 'Someone' made not only the same tired allegations but this time a new one. Alienation. I was 'charged' with preventing Jeff from visiting with the older children he so desperately wanted to see and accused of talking badly about him to them. After a third home visit showed the house was still sanitary, I was given a finding of 'Services Recommended' meaning it was 'strongly recommended that I seek out counseling for myself and my children' in order to combat the possibility and/or effects of alienation. Ironically I was informed that a big part of why services were now being recommended was because of 'multiple previous allegation being filed on our family'.
I filed in June and within two months Child Protection was knocking at my door. 'Someone' had phoned them and alleged that we were living in filth and squalor and that I was physically abusing my children. A quick (surprise) tour of the house and schooltime interviews with my children assuaged their concerns and the allegation was promptly dismissed. While stunned at the level to which Jeff had sunk, I was relieved to have put that temporary terror behind me. In November we moved out of the farm taking only what furniture I had owned previously and some dishes and clothes. We moved back into town and were now residing in a different county than Jeff was. Jeff would come and pick up the two youngest (his children) and ignore the older ones (my children). This was mutually acceptable as the older kids had no desire to spend time with him either, for obvious reasons.
Another allegation was made. 'Someone' had made precisely the same allegations once again. Again my children were interviewed and the allegation was dismissed. I had a very poor attorney and was at this time receiving NO child support. This went on for 10 months while I drove taxi five nights a week in 12 hour graveyard shifts. I also accepted, with chagrin, food stamps and I will say they were a blessing. Jeff, meanwhile was single with his income of over $3000 a month.
A few months later 'Someone' made not only the same tired allegations but this time a new one. Alienation. I was 'charged' with preventing Jeff from visiting with the older children he so desperately wanted to see and accused of talking badly about him to them. After a third home visit showed the house was still sanitary, I was given a finding of 'Services Recommended' meaning it was 'strongly recommended that I seek out counseling for myself and my children' in order to combat the possibility and/or effects of alienation. Ironically I was informed that a big part of why services were now being recommended was because of 'multiple previous allegation being filed on our family'.
Jeff's core personality.
I will take a moment to describe a few other points of Jeff's personality in an attempt to fill in the picture a bit more fully.
We were a family of nine and all laundry was supposed to be done with the washer and dryer standing empty ready to recieve the first item of dirty laundry from the day. The dishwasher and sink were to be empty and ready for the first dish. Beds should be made, toys and other items picked up at all times etc. I was not only unable to live up to these standards, I refused to flagellate myself for it as well! Jeff refused to eat my cooking; sitting in front of a full plate at dinner every night. He also had no desire to be intimate with me. Aproximately once a month he seemed to feel the inescapable desire for sexual gratification and we would 'copulate' In his words - he would 'enter me'. And that's all it was. We had a king size bed in which he slept on the very edge on his side facing away from me. All of this started before J ever came along. Jeff didn't like me to touch him. Not on the arm, shoulder, anywhere. Certainly not at a movie, scary or otherwise. Hand holding? Inappropriate.
We were deeply in debt as well. Somehow Jeff had accrued $140,000 in student debt. -A student myself now, I don't even see how that's possible, but that's what was listed in our divorce decree. He possessed multiple credit cards with outrageous interest rates that were completely maxed out. There were several times he stood and yelled at me because I refused to apply for additional cards in my name. I erroneously believed that this would save me from the mountainous debt he was incurring. Our garbage was no longer being picked up and was piled high in the garage. Our electricity was even shut off for a short period of time in January. (We live in the northern midwest where temp's hit lows of -40 degrees in January.) When I asked for money for something as simple as a couple of pair of jeans for one of the boys I was told "we just don't have the money right now". -But how could this be? Jeff was making over $3000 a month. He had already disappeared my inheritance of $130,000 when we sold the house I owned prior to our marriage. (It didn't go into the house we purchased together afterward.) We were constantly negative in our bank account with bank fees piling up into the negative hundreds at times! Where was our money going??? I still don't know.
This was also the year Jeff told me he 'didn't love me anymore' in a flat, emotionless voice. To be followed up a couple of months later with "I never loved you, I only married you because I knew you would give me a boy." I spent that last year looking into the coldest eyes I have ever seen.
As I said, it was time to go.
We were a family of nine and all laundry was supposed to be done with the washer and dryer standing empty ready to recieve the first item of dirty laundry from the day. The dishwasher and sink were to be empty and ready for the first dish. Beds should be made, toys and other items picked up at all times etc. I was not only unable to live up to these standards, I refused to flagellate myself for it as well! Jeff refused to eat my cooking; sitting in front of a full plate at dinner every night. He also had no desire to be intimate with me. Aproximately once a month he seemed to feel the inescapable desire for sexual gratification and we would 'copulate' In his words - he would 'enter me'. And that's all it was. We had a king size bed in which he slept on the very edge on his side facing away from me. All of this started before J ever came along. Jeff didn't like me to touch him. Not on the arm, shoulder, anywhere. Certainly not at a movie, scary or otherwise. Hand holding? Inappropriate.
We were deeply in debt as well. Somehow Jeff had accrued $140,000 in student debt. -A student myself now, I don't even see how that's possible, but that's what was listed in our divorce decree. He possessed multiple credit cards with outrageous interest rates that were completely maxed out. There were several times he stood and yelled at me because I refused to apply for additional cards in my name. I erroneously believed that this would save me from the mountainous debt he was incurring. Our garbage was no longer being picked up and was piled high in the garage. Our electricity was even shut off for a short period of time in January. (We live in the northern midwest where temp's hit lows of -40 degrees in January.) When I asked for money for something as simple as a couple of pair of jeans for one of the boys I was told "we just don't have the money right now". -But how could this be? Jeff was making over $3000 a month. He had already disappeared my inheritance of $130,000 when we sold the house I owned prior to our marriage. (It didn't go into the house we purchased together afterward.) We were constantly negative in our bank account with bank fees piling up into the negative hundreds at times! Where was our money going??? I still don't know.
This was also the year Jeff told me he 'didn't love me anymore' in a flat, emotionless voice. To be followed up a couple of months later with "I never loved you, I only married you because I knew you would give me a boy." I spent that last year looking into the coldest eyes I have ever seen.
As I said, it was time to go.
How we lived...
Jeff would come home from work, scoop up J in his arms and immediately carry him upstairs to the bedroom to play - ignoring the other children including our second child together 'little J'. (For some reason the lot of us have yet to fathom, Jeff never bonded or desired to bond with little J. He was lumped into the 'ignore' pile with the older children.) The rest of the evening was spent playing in that room with the door close and no one allowed in. Not the other children, who wanted to see Dad, nor myself. In fact, I was forbidden from being present when Jeff was with J because he might want me to hold him and that was unacceptable. Jeff fed him, bathed him and put him down every night while I was relegated to the downstairs. Often when Jeff was chewing out the older children or I for some imagined or fabricated offense, he would be holding J in his arms. Of course this sent a very clear message to my little boy's subconscious - that it was Dad and he against all of us.
During this time Jeff projected a near constant barrage of criticism and anger toward my older children. They would be forced to face the wall for two hours at a time, sit on chairs in the middle of the room for two to three hours and they missed countless dinners. My oldest was grown (I adopted her at age 12 - that's why the minimal age difference) but the other four were 12, 10, 8 and 7. For two years they endured treatment designed to pick away at their core beings. You can imagine these young children at the dinner table with my obsessive - compulsive ex: "If that fork touches your teeth one more time..." "I said don't move in your seat!" " You didn't finish swallowing before you started speaking!" Always ending with removal from the dinner table and an early bedtime. We ate at 5:00 and they were usually sent away by 5:20. Not every child, every night, but five out of seven nights at least one was dismissed. Jeff was relentless in his literal pursuit of them as well. If they asked a question or made a comment that he thought was in any way 'mouthy' he would actually follow them from room to room upstairs and downstairs berating them until they cried. I had to physically place myself in between them on many occasions in an attempt to halt the onslaught. One time my 8 yr old was so frantic he curled up in a ball with the blanket over his head in the basement while Scott yelled and yelled. I wrapped my arms around him and screamed to Scott to stop and go away. At this point it had been over an hour and a half so he quit and went back upstairs.
It was time to go.
During this time Jeff projected a near constant barrage of criticism and anger toward my older children. They would be forced to face the wall for two hours at a time, sit on chairs in the middle of the room for two to three hours and they missed countless dinners. My oldest was grown (I adopted her at age 12 - that's why the minimal age difference) but the other four were 12, 10, 8 and 7. For two years they endured treatment designed to pick away at their core beings. You can imagine these young children at the dinner table with my obsessive - compulsive ex: "If that fork touches your teeth one more time..." "I said don't move in your seat!" " You didn't finish swallowing before you started speaking!" Always ending with removal from the dinner table and an early bedtime. We ate at 5:00 and they were usually sent away by 5:20. Not every child, every night, but five out of seven nights at least one was dismissed. Jeff was relentless in his literal pursuit of them as well. If they asked a question or made a comment that he thought was in any way 'mouthy' he would actually follow them from room to room upstairs and downstairs berating them until they cried. I had to physically place myself in between them on many occasions in an attempt to halt the onslaught. One time my 8 yr old was so frantic he curled up in a ball with the blanket over his head in the basement while Scott yelled and yelled. I wrapped my arms around him and screamed to Scott to stop and go away. At this point it had been over an hour and a half so he quit and went back upstairs.
It was time to go.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Second Year...
Jeff enjoyed taking baby J when he went on one errand or another. Sweet, but I thought frustrating, as there were five other children at home who wanted to be out with Dad even if only for a quick run around town and they were aware of being left behind. Baby J was still snoozing life away whether in our arms or carseat-bound. J's older brothers absolutely adored him and held him constantly. We all felt pride that our baby never cried. He was never given the opportunity! In a split second he would be picked up, fed, entertained and loved.
After only a short while Jeff began expressing irritation with the older children. He didn't like them holding the baby, didn't like the 'way' they played with him; they were too loud or too boisterous or conversely they didn't keep his attention enough! By the time J was a year old Jeff had clearly drawn the line between J and the rest of the children. This is when I began hearing how my children were 'genetically inferior ' to his child. (We have some OCD's and depression in my family and their father's family.) By the time J was two, we were living in the Twilight Zone.
After only a short while Jeff began expressing irritation with the older children. He didn't like them holding the baby, didn't like the 'way' they played with him; they were too loud or too boisterous or conversely they didn't keep his attention enough! By the time J was a year old Jeff had clearly drawn the line between J and the rest of the children. This is when I began hearing how my children were 'genetically inferior ' to his child. (We have some OCD's and depression in my family and their father's family.) By the time J was two, we were living in the Twilight Zone.
How it began for us...
When I met my ex-husband I was a 28 yr old divorced mother of five. Jeff was perfect. I mean reeeeally perfect. Active in our church, handsome and fascinated with my children, I believed I had found the man with whom God wanted us to ride off into the sunset. We married and a year later had our first child together. It is important to note and appreciate that marrying a woman with as many children as I had would be an impressive feat for any man - fabulous though he may be - but my ex had been single for (essentially) his entire adult life. Now 40 yrs old with no practical marital experience and no children he attempted to take the helm. I would say things went smoothly for the most part, he was overly strict - as one who has done their best parenting 'pre-child' might be, but the kids took to him. Everything changed, however, when we had our first baby. Naturally this was an incomparable thrill for him as it is for any parent and also, naturally, he had stronger feelings for this baby than he had for my older ones. All perfectly normal and understandable and understand I did....
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